Tuesday, September 30, 2014

White House Announces Installation of Parcourse

As part of her “Let’s Move!” fitness initiative, First Lady Michele Obama has announced the installation of a parcourse on the White House grounds.  “It’s the People’s House,” Mrs. Obama said,  “and its very design seems to invite people to use the grounds for jumping, running, and stretching.” 

White House spokesman Josh Earnest said that the course should be open to the public by November 4th, although a beta version was tested Sept. 19th and found to be “fun and functional.”

The fitness trail will offer 22 exercise stops both inside and outside the property, designed to “increase the heartbeat and sweat off the pounds.”   The course will begin at the North Lawn fence, zig-zagging across the grounds, encountering the Vault Bar, Chin-up bar, and Achilles Stretch stations.  

Once inside the North Entrance, after a stop at the Heart Check Station inside the Chief Usher’s office, fitness enthusiasts can continue to a series of high-impact exercises.  Stairs to the President’s bedroom allow for leg, hamstring, and thigh stretches.  After a stop for refreshment in the White House kitchen, the East Room features a Sit-and-Reach activity, an assisted Trunk Stretch, and a variety of Body Curl opportunities.  Uniformed specialists will be on hand to “instruct and inspire” said one White House source.

A Stop-Drop-and-Roll activity will bring the dedicated health fan through the Green Room and out the South Portico, continuing onto the South Lawn and out to the final challenge—clearing an 8-foot fence onto Pennsylvania Avenue. 

Earnest praised the First Lady’s initiative.  “She’s a tireless exerciser, and opening up the White House grounds like this will bring a whole new dimension to the term ‘crazy fit.’”  

Friday, September 19, 2014

Pachinko Takes the Facebook 20 Facts Challenge

Normally Pachinko doesn't take up "challenges" or "invitations" on Facebook, especially if they involve ice water, gratitude, signing a petition, or crushing candy.  But this week, in a once-in-a-lifetime surrender, he has agreed to let his fact flag fly.  So here it goes.

1.              I keep my eyes wide open all the time.
2.              When I sweat, I smell like peach cobbler.
3.              I have “Nighthawks at the Diner” tattooed under my left eyelid.
4.              People forget me while they’re shaking my hand.
5.              My first wife doesn’t recognize me after the surgery.
6.              I will cross the street to avoid making eye contact with a pregnant woman.
7.              My elimination system shuts down when I leave California.
8.              When my kids were in preschool, I convinced them that Requiem For a Dream was the best Disney movie after Herbie: Fully Loaded.
9.              It’s my experience that when you’re strange, everyone remembers your name.
10.          Just for fun, I angrily demand price checks at the 99 Cents Store.
11.          The quality of a conversation is determined by how many times in my head I say, “Yeah, right.”
12.          I can play the entire Beyonce song catalog under my arm.
13.          I read a book whenever I have to look like I’m not stalking.
14.          To relax, I paint clowns. Not pictures—real clowns.
15.          Once, in my mid-twenties, I awoke to a woman who looked like Theodore Bikel.
16.          Toddlers can’t be trusted to light a barbecue properly.  Just sayin’.
17.          Nobody loves you when you’re down and out, but I will if you’re down and out and really cute.
18.          My favorite quality in a woman is “saucy.”
19.          I have to sleep “commando” style, which usually irks the passenger in the next seat on the red eye.
20.          My funeral plans include having my body catapulted into the middle of a wedding reception just so they will always have a story.