Normally Pachinko doesn't take up "challenges" or "invitations" on Facebook, especially if they involve ice water, gratitude, signing a petition, or crushing candy. But this week, in a once-in-a-lifetime surrender, he has agreed to let his fact flag fly. So here it goes.
1. I keep my eyes wide open all the time.
2. When I sweat, I smell like peach cobbler.
3. I have “Nighthawks at the Diner” tattooed under my left eyelid.
4. People forget me while they’re shaking my hand.
5. My first wife doesn’t recognize me after the surgery.
6. I will cross the street to avoid making eye contact with a pregnant woman.
7. My elimination system shuts down when I leave California.
8. When my kids were in preschool, I convinced them that Requiem For a Dream was the best Disney movie after Herbie: Fully Loaded.
9. It’s my experience that when you’re strange, everyone remembers your name.
10. Just for fun, I angrily demand price checks at the 99 Cents Store.
11. The quality of a conversation is determined by how many times in my head I say, “Yeah, right.”
12. I can play the entire Beyonce song catalog under my arm.
13. I read a book whenever I have to look like I’m not stalking.
14. To relax, I paint clowns. Not pictures—real clowns.
15. Once, in my mid-twenties, I awoke to a woman who looked like Theodore Bikel.
16. Toddlers can’t be trusted to light a barbecue properly. Just sayin’.
17. Nobody loves you when you’re down and out, but I will if you’re down and out and really cute.
18. My favorite quality in a woman is “saucy.”
19. I have to sleep “commando” style, which usually irks the passenger in the next seat on the red eye.
20. My funeral plans include having my body catapulted into the middle of a wedding reception just so they will always have a story.