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Tuesday, April 29, 2014

NBA blames Sterling behavior on allergy



LOS ANGELES -- NBA Commissioner Adam Silver announced this morning that L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling’s controversial remarks about black players were referring only to the billionaire’s severe allergy to the popular cologne Usher for Men.  “We took a survey over the past few days, urgently trying to find out why Don would say such things,” Silver said.  “We discovered that 90% of NBA players wore Usher after games.”  

On Friday, celebrity gossip site TMZ had posted a tape recording of what is believed to be Sterling demanding that his girlfriend, identified as V. Stiviano, not bring black players to his games nor post her photos with them on Instagram.


Sterling’s representative Len Kibbitz said that Sterling has “severe asthma and nasal congestion [that] flares up in an atmosphere where Usher has been worn.”  He further added that Ms. Stiviano’s friendly poses with NBA players and other black celebrities “left the Usher scent on her clothing, which was the genesis of Mr. Sterling’s request.“

Allergist, Dr. Gaylord Offord, who has treated Sterling since 2008, was deposed on Sunday, and described Sterling’s reaction to Usher as “at the farthest end of the sinus spectrum.”  “He has extreme sensitivity to verbena, sandalwood, musk, and guaiac wood, which happen to be the top notes of the Usher scent,” Offord explained,

“I’ll tell you, with Don this stuff is worse than a nose full of ragweed on an April afternoon.” 

The NBA seems to be satisfied with the decision.  During the two-minute press conference, Commissioner Silver declared the matter closed, stating,  “We’ve got games to play here.”




Saturday, April 26, 2014

"Fuming Man" Festival Slated for Memorial Day Weekend



BUNKERVILLE, Nev.--Cattleman and adjunct Black Studies professor Cliven Bundy announced Thursday that he and his protective ring of armed militia will sponsor a cultural festival loosely based on the spontaneous community ideal of Burning Man.  Dubbed Fuming Man, the festival will be held on 500 acres of grazing land administered by the Bureau of Land Management.

Fuming Man founder Cliven Bundy
Bundy announced Fuming Man during one of his hourly press announcements on Friday.  “We’re just hosting a little get together where the kids’ll be able to let off a little steam,” Bundy, 67, said.  “Eat some fried ice creams, blow shit up and what-not.”


The event will feature barbecue booths, a gun show, drinking contests, ATV v. U-Haul truck races, a “Founding Fathers” tent and main stage musical acts such as Ted Nugent, Avenged Sevenfold, Charlie Daniels, and Gretchen Wilson.  Saturday night festivities will culminate in a ritual burning of a 70-foot paper mache Statue of Liberty.  “We’re gonna light her up real good,” Bundy said with a chuckle.  “We’re pissed.”  Bundy said he will provide “cattle on the hoof” for the barbecue.

A paper mache Lady Liberty will light up
Fuming Man's Saturday night festivities
The U.S. Bureau of Land Management says that Bundy owes $1 million in fees for letting his cattle graze in the Gold Butte area.  Bundy, who refuses to pay for letting thousands of his cattle dine free on public land for decades, was joined by a group of “citizen soldiers” in an improvised bivouac known as “Camp Tripwire” to protect him from the encroachment of agents trying to negotiate with the rancher. 

Bundy’s renown as a rancher has recently been overshadowed by his expertise in the black experience in American history, leading to a series of mini-lectures on “the negro” and the failure of government assistance programs to live up to the glory days of slavery.  He claims to have been misunderstood, and that the real culprit is the late civil rights leader Martin Luther King, Jr.  They had received praise as patriots by Fox commentator Sean Hannity, assumed presidential contender Rand Paul and U.S. Senator Dean Heller (R-NV), who have all backed off of their support after Bundy’s Negro Lectures. 

Billy Hortensky will be the official
greeter and public face for Fuming
Man
“We deplore his statements,” Paul said.  “Votes don’t have colors.” 

Heller, who appeared thrown by the controversy, asked, “Cliven Bundy?  Seriously?  I thought you said Al Bundy.”

“Of course, negroes are welcome to join us in Fuming Man,” Bundy spokesman Billy “Horse” Hortinsky, 41, an unemployed postal worker from Pueblo, Colorado.  “We just recommend they be gone by sundown.”

Bundy and his defenders, including truck drivers, ex-cops, and other disgruntled civil servants from all over the country, have taken a get-tough policy against the BLM, wielding AR-15 and AK-47 weapons to thwart the government roundup of Bundy’s cattle till fees are paid.  The cows were released back onto public land after the self-named “Battle of Bunkerville” two weeks ago.

  
Camp commander Jerry DeBacle, who drove for two days in a truck waving a “Don’t Tread on Me” flag from its 22-foot antenna, says the group is stockpiling supplies and ammunition.  During a morning prayer meeting, DeBacle called on God to lead them in a “new revolution” against the government. 

“I’m an American,” he said, waving a .45 caliber handgun in the face of a reporter.  “That’s why we’re creating our own community against…America, I guess.”

“We the people have spoken,” said Mike Tuck, an “internet-educated, enraged citizen” on state disability who interrupted his busy speaking schedule in New Hampshire to join Bundy’s protectors.  “We don’t need the government interfering in our lives and trying to force healthcare, services, and increased minimum wages down our throats.” 

Construction of Fuming Man accommodations
is already underway at the festival site
Fuming Man preparations are already underway in order to meet the Memorial Day deadline, and hundreds of tents are popping up on the site.  Armed guards patrol the perimeter. 

“Cliven’s ancestors settled this area way before the BLM,” said Melissa Kutcher of Mesa, Arizona, who spoke as she cleaned her husband’s handgun collection, cooked meals, washed clothes in a stream, and fulfilled other orders from her husband Darryl.  “We’re free, and we’re not going to let the government take that away from us.”



*A 21-dove salute to Mark Ferrell for inspiration.