Tuesday, March 3, 2015

20 more things you didn’t know about Pachinko

In keeping with a commitment to transparency in everything I do, and ongoing treatment for a stubborn narcissistic personality disorder, here are 20 more things you probably didn’t know about Pachinko.

1.      I was voted “America’s Happiest Prison Guard” in 2003.

2.     That Dalai Lama is really getting on my last nerve. 

3.      In high school, my nickname was “Sherry.”

4.     For two years in the 1980s I had a huge crush on that chick in the Whitesnake videos till someone pointed out...

5.     The local barista knows that I like a Venti triple shot with Ensure, no room.

6.     I don’t think I can fit one more thing under the house.

7.     My research shows that clowns are scary because on a deep level they remind us of how we look to our sexual partners.  

8.     Disney has finally optioned my script about the parking lot tram.

9.     Some people say I’m “reclusive”; others say “house arrest.” Win-win.

11. I don’t believe that any relationship is truly over until you wake up to the smell of gasoline on the sheets.

11. My self-dentistry days are done.

12. How do I tell the three Asian women in my living room that there are better places for a nail salon?

13. Although I resisted at first, I have to admit that maybe the dog has a point.

14. Diplomacy? Bitch, please.

15. I sleep better when there’s not someone else in the room sobbing.

16. I yearn for the days when it was just symptoms.

17. Flights are always more interesting when you whisper to the person next to you, “Don’t be a hero.”

18. My favorite superhero name is “Peaches.”

19. Sometimes I like to sidle up to a hot girl at the bar and talk like Forrest Gump.

20. I would rather watch a snuff film than any episode of Storage Wars.

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Californians dig out after first major drizzle of 2015

A winter storm that left nearly .10 inch of rain in Southern California has made its way east, allowing weather-weary Los Angeles residents to begin getting back to life as they knew it before the surprise low pressure system.

No official estimates are in, but several cars have collided due to slick streets, and damages to homes and business may total into the dozens of dollars.

Power has been fully restored to three houses on West Sycamore St.   after a panicked homeowner tried to pull down Christmas lights at the height of the storm. "He fell off a ladder and shorted out a major trunk line when a string of lights dipped into a backyard fountain," said Susan Contreras of the Los Angeles DWP.  "It took a whole fire crew an hour to convince the guy's wife that it wasn't the apocalypse and that she should perhaps seek help for an unrelated drinking problem."

"First stop is the car wash," said Daisy McClure of La Canada-Flintridge, looking solemnly at rain damage to her 2015 Hyundai Elantra.  "I just bought that car, and now this. My husband says that Foothill Auto Wash  can do miracles with water spots, but I don't know."

Jeff Dillow of West Los Angeles was less optimistic.  "I've never seen drizzle like that," he exclaimed, his eyes moistening at a clearing in the clouds.  "The dog got wet, the bikes are wet..." he said, running his hand through his hair and walking away.

Kim Banda, an aide to L.A. Mayor Eric Garcetti, is waiting for more information before the mayor can  declare the region a disaster area.  He has warned people, though, to stock up on water and basic goods and to keep pets inside.

Meteorologists have said that the tempest was brought about by a low offshore system from Mexico,  calling it "an anomaly."  Tony DeGrandis from the National Weather Service says that, with climate change, Southern Californians can expect even more such unstable air masses.  "This year, Los Angeles is looking at seven, maybe eight inches of rain.  You can never let your guard down," DeGrandis reported.

In the San Fernando Valley, businesses on a long stretch of Ventura Blvd. were shaking off moisture from rain mats and sweeping fallen leaves.  Ileanna Marsh, a Studio City resident, was philosophical.  "You have to be a pretty durable kind of person to live in this place," she said.  "It's not for sissies."