Tuesday, April 28, 2015

President declares May 2 National STFU Day

Taking a cue from the "cascading snarl" of voices on all sides of rancorous public discourse, President Obama has designated Saturday, May 2, as Silence to Foster Unity (STFU) Day.

On that day, the internet will be shut down, cell phone towers will be blocked, and all broadcast news operations will be suspended for 24 hours at midnight.

"It will take a couple of days' preparation," Obama said, "but the benefits of a day when no one says a single word will become clear by about hour two." The utter silence about vaccines, riots, droughts, upcoming Supreme Court rulings, law enforcement, healthcare, income disparity, Common Core, do-nothing government, the economy, the Islamic State, and Bruce Jenner,  will, the president hopes, "allow all Americans a chance to give it a freakin' rest."

In a short Rose Garden speech, the president said that STFU Day "will give parents a chance to recognize their own children, for industry and politics alike to recognize the bankruptcy of rhetoric, and for everyone to experience what the world must have been like before everybody had an intractable, infallible, and ignorant fucking opinion."

Objections are already arising from a quartet of Republican presidential hopefuls who have vowed to keep talking throughout the 24-hour period.

Monday, April 27, 2015

The Apple iBand gives all other tech wear a finger

In the wake of consumer frenzy over its Apple Watch, Apple has leaked information about its latest product line, which is set to arrive at Apple stores in late 2015.

The Apple Band is a 64gb ring that will provide all the processing and storage power of an iPhone.  With a 1 x 1 inch touch screen, the new iBand promises to upend personal devices.  Prototypes of the iBand hit the internet on Friday, and by Sunday the preview site had received over 7 million hits, 6 million more than any 2016 presidential candidate’s site and only 1.5 million fewer than YouTube’s Bruce Jenner interview excerpts.

“I can’t wait,” said a trembling Will Pivut, 30, of Torrance, who said he would wait outside a store for another 25 hours “in any weather,” like he did for the Apple Watch, which is selling briskly at only one U.S. retail outlet in the U.S.  “It’s worth every hour of line time, even though I missed my daughter's spring choir concert for the [iPhone] 6s.” 

The iBand Platinum,
with screen shutter
“This is huge, in a micro-awesome kind of way,” said Astrud Milford, 28, a Studio City resident. “It’s smart, cool, and indescribably unique. I’m getting married in 2016, and I’m definitely leaning toward the iBand as an engagement ring.” Her fiancĂ©, who asked not to use his name, blinked and nodded solemnly.

The ladies iBand
allows for a more
intimate movie viewing
The band, with a platinum setting that cuddles exclusive Ion-X glass, Wi-Fi, an HD camera, and an LED multi-touch display, will also hold 128gb of music.  Prices are rumored to start at $799 for the lower end aluminum model, reaching $17,499 for the platinum setting with an 18-carat diamond faux screen cover.

The prototype for the iBand
screen is 1 x 1 cm,
available in several settings

Pivut calls it “the most important device of my generation, next to the pneumatic tattoo machine. “Watching movies and keeping in touch with my friends on social media is going to be the shit,” he said.  Milford, who has already gotten on a waiting list of more than 600,000 people for the device, could hardly contain her excitement.

“I have everything Apple has ever made, and this definitely is something I'm willing to go into more debt for,” she said, brushing past an AmeriCares volunteer’s request for a donation for Nepal earthquake relief. 

“It’ll keep me in touch with the world,” she said.